Friday, March 21, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I went to Siler City today to visit my great-aunt. She is 96. I had not seen her in at least 15 years. Maw Maw did not remember who I was. I called her sister my Nanny. Nanny raised my dad as her own because his mom was a drunk and his dad walked out on him...I used to get so mad at my dad because he did things to hurt me. One day I realized that he did the best that he could considering that his parents abandoned him. Grace is amazing when you learn to forgive people like I have forgiven my dad. He loves me and his love is not perfect. He tries though...Back to Nanny. I loved her more than I have loved any of my family members. She got really sick and died 7 years ago. I did not go see her when she was in the ICU. I could not stand the sight of her laying unconscious in the bed in a coma. I never got to tell her goodbye. Seeing her sister today, Maw Maw, made me realize even more how much I miss Nanny and wish that I could have told her goodbye. So I will tell her now.
Nanny, I miss you so much. I still remember the wrinkles on your face as I felt the life you had lived. I could not bring myself to see you laying there in the hospital. Please forgive me for not telling you goodbye. I never felt so loved as I did when you would let me lay my head on your lap as you scratched my head. Remember when we used to lay in the bed together and you would tell me how much you liked Michael Jordan? You would feed me Stoffer's Pizza and shove Diet Coke down my throat as we watched Wheel of Fortune. Seeing Maw Maw was so very hard today. I saw you in her eyes as she stared at me not knowing who I was. I did not come see you in the hospital because I was afraid you would stare at me in the same way. It breaks my heart to not have you kiss me on the forehead. Christmas will never be the same. I hope you know how much you mean to me and how I pray I will see you again. I have this dream that when I go to see Jesus, you will meet me and hug me. You will tell me how much you have loved me and missed me. Then you will hold my hand, take me to see Jesus, and the confusing life that I have lived will then finally make sense. You will give me some candy...then kiss me on my forehead.
Come Sweet Day...Amen.
So today is Valentine's Day....or shame on you for being single day. I wonder if I will ever get married? I pray every night that I would. I don't date much. In fact I have not been on a date in almost 2 years. I guess I will meet the right girl someday. A lot of my friends have done the E-Harmony thing. I have not. Maybe it is because I am scared, but I think it is because I feel as though I would be trying too hard to find someone. I don't want a girl to be the sole focus of my life...Yet girls always end up being just that. I saw the girl that I love today. I have loved her for almost 9 years now. Every time I look at her I forget who I am and only see her. When I am with her I don't think about the fact that I think I am fat and unattractive. I wonder if she knows how I feel about her? We dated once. Best 2 weeks of my life. It did not work out though. Does she know that though I manage to live my life, but I would be hers with just one look? For now all I know to do is be myself. I will try and love people and show mercy and grace to those who don't deserve it. (myself included) I hope that I will be with Her one day. Until then I will workout, be depressed and happy in the same day, go to school, love my friends and family, play music, read, run, workout, and eat gummy bears.
I talked to my very good friend from college today. It was very good to hear her voice. I am terrible at talking on the phone. I get nervous. Why you ask? I haven't the foggiest idea. I miss her very much. We used to play guitar together in her room. I miss those times. She lives two time zones away. I hope to see her again soon...I was just thinking...what if she knew me for who I really was? What if she knew that my heart is evil? Truth is, everyone's heart is evil. Humans can do great and noble things, but these are rare. There is so much suffering in the world. We spend so much money on an Ipod and yet there are people in my town that have no place to sleep accept out in the cold. Oh and don't forget, there is me. I think terrible things and do even worse. I constantly search for life in places where there is none? Idiot. I try to love though. I know I love my friend that I talked to on the phone today. I hope she knows that and loves me too despite of myself. Oh yeah I am playing drums tomorrow at church. I hope Jesus will be there.